Enjoy Every Second - There's Only So Much Time

If you are lucky enough to have significant visitation time with your babies, you'll want to be certain that they're having the best time as they can (within reason).  It can be difficult to get back into the swing of caring for your children when you haven't had to do so for a while.  You'd be surprised at what you forget.  Here's a few tips to help you along:

1. Before they arrive, simply ask them what they'd like to do/eat, etc. Use google to find any activities and places of interest nearby. For example, find the local library or playgrounds.  If you can splurge, look for activities like indoor play parks, amusement parks, etc.  Equipped with choices, ask them if any of those adventures sounds appealing.  You never know.....one kid may have had a bad experience on a ride; therefore hates amusement parks.  Or they may have picked up a new sport and would like to find a venue and group of other children to play.  The last thing you want to do is drag your child to something they don't want - you have limited of time as it is.  But also remember to keep it simple. The simply want to spend time with you. Don't feel like you have to schedule something for every second they are with you.  Even snuggling on the couch to watch the latest movie on Netflix could be a fantastic activity.

2.  Look for children their age. Local playgrounds would be the best place to find children the same age.  Your kids will be stripped from their friends (assuming you do not live nearby).  That can be a very isolating feeling to them - so, attempt to mitigate this by finding some friends for them. Play dates can be a good way of finding friends - but that can also backfire.  Sometimes kids just wants to choose their own friends out of a group instead of having them chosen for them. Public playgrounds where a lot of children congregate can be useful. Or any other area where children of a similar age will congregate. Encourage these friendships to take place - and if they become really strong, see if you can nurture the bond even when they're separated. Enlist the new friends as pen pals or give them phone numbers to call when it's time for your children to go back home. 

3.  I mentioned this before, but try your best to ensure they have their own space and things in your home. There's nothing more awkward than staying at the house of a parent and being forced to sleep on the couch or live out of a suitcase.  The ordeal of their parents separating and being isolated from their mom for no good reason has already been stressful enough.  They need to feel settled when they are with you.  And there's no better way to show your kids that you still have a space carved In your heart for them than to have a space carved out for them in your home. 

3.  This piece of advice I see every time divorce is mentioned with children.  Never bring them in the middle of it. They are already in an awkward position of having a part of their identity (you) stripped from them. Despite how difficult this has been for you, you should never allow yourself to pit them against their dad.  If they ask you about how certain aspects of the separation and custody battle played out in your words - answer them honestly, keeping in mind age level and ability to understand. But, never place blame.  They were not the soldiers in the custody battle - they were unfortunately innocent bystanders who know the war was about them.  More on the psychology of custody later. 

4.  Depending on time, see what things you can recreate that you missed.  Mother's Day is such a huge day for moms, and when your children can't be with you because of custody arrangements, it can make a sad holiday.  But if you can, schedule Mother's Day for you when they're with you.  Have your new partner or family member organize the day.  You can do this with Christmas, or any holiday.....who says you can't celebrate on a different day?  If it means that much to you, make it happen. And I bet your children would actually appreciate it (even if they thinks it's silly at first).

5. Do something that mimics taking care of them.  You were their mother, and mothers are typically very nurturing. It is in our blood to want to coddle our babies and make sure they are well-cared for.  Considering the circumstances, it can feel like you don't have the control to take care of them anymore. But, you can do little things. Use the time you have with them to take them school shopping.  Or make sure they have sports gear/uniforms that fits them properly. Find ways that you can fulfill that want to nurture them. 

6.  Build your own routine. You cannot really plan a routine before they arrive, but once they get settled in, find a routine that works well for all of you.  It can be easy to let them stay up late or eat meals at unusual times because of disorganization.  (Not saying you're disorganized - but the shift in family may uproot your routine).  Children thrive off of routine (even if they claim they don't have one with dad).  Routine will probably happen organically, but you have to let it.  Because, you need to eat and rest as much as they do.  You have an extra person or people in your home that are looking up to you to care for them and keep them entertained.  When you haven't had to do so for a while, you'd be surprised at how exhausting it can be. So, when you find a suitable bedtime, stick to it :).  Ask them what they do before bed, if any routine they have already exist.  That could give you an idea if you're having trouble. 

7.  Don't take things personally. Remember, they may not know the true details of what happened. They are living every day life with just one parent who is biased on one side of the story. It is very possible, considering the outcomes, that your children were fed only the one side of the story in a way that demeans you.  They could have been told nearly anything; so be prepared to hear your innocent angels call you names, make comments and fight discipline. They may retaliate against discipline (especially if you're more strict than dad, or your children were expecting to have free reign with you). Do not get mad, but when things settle down - make sure you tell them your side and correct them in an age appropriate way. They deserve to hear your side of things, but do so in a way that is not vindictive.  Facts are better than opinion when telling them. For example, if your child says "you broke up our family because you didn't love us". Respond with love and be honest about why you left - or correct them to remind them that daddy left (whichever way your story unfolded).  Just be prepared for this; many noncustodial parents aren't. 

This is such a happy experience for you and your children. They miss you and you miss them - and you want to be sure they do not regret coming to see you.  This is a fantastic time for you to get a glimpse of your children and see what you missed.  You'll feel joy you never thought possible when they're finally with you - but it will be bittersweet. Usually, soon enough, they'll have to go back home and you'll have to say goodbye again - a post for next time. In the meantime, enjoy your cherubs - you deserve to enjoy every second.