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Saturday 6 May 2017

You just got the ruling.....now what?

After a long and grueling custody proceedings, the hammer slams down.  Your children are still alive and well, but you're grieving. Many emotions are flashing in your mind. How could this have happened??  How could I have lost custody??  

No matter how awesome of a parent you are - sometimes judges rule based on ideals. And if you have a far richer ex-spouse battling against you or has been secretly vindictive and covertly manipulative - it's a recipe for ultimate disaster in the court room. Personally, I found it harder adjusting to life without them than I did when they arrived home as newborns. 

Here's what helped me survive the aftermath. 

1. You know the truth. Do not let your child's father, either lawyer, bystanders or the judge tell you otherwise.  You are here because of unfortunate events and sifting through the facts YOU know can help you come to terms with what happened. Knowing these truths will also make you very angry. 

2. Do not let that anger make you into a horrible person.  Anger is a very natural feeling when you feel you've been manipulated to this degree. You'll want to hurt those involved. But don't - to retain any integrity and dignity you have left (perceived or real) leave the anger behind closed doors. You can scream all you want at home and punch pillows, but do not make a show of yourself publicly. This includes social media (especially social media).  The more you are angry and unable to keep your cool in public, the less people around you will take you seriously (they'll assume your anger is why you lost your children - they won't see that losing your children made you angry). If you must vent......

3. Find a champion.  This could be a relative, very close friend, or religious leader of your local church, etc.  This MUST be someone you trust unconditionally. A small group of friends works, too...but keep the number small.  You'll want to tell anyone who will listen, but not everyone is your friend.  If this person happens to be friends with your ex, they'll be playing sides - and it may not be your side. 

4. Breathe. And take care of yourself. If your experience was anything like mine, I took it very difficultly. I was living alone and fell into a deep depression. I had a hard time taking care of my basic needs.  Make sure you eat, drink water and take a bath.  You won't realize how much the sadness overtakes you. The hours tick into days and you realize you hadn't eaten in 48 hours. If you can stay with someone (your champion, if possible) they can be sure you get back on track. 

5. See if you can take time off from work. Granted, no one has passed away, but your reactions and emotions will reflect that you have. It can be very difficult to concentrate on working when you're so angry and saddened by the recent events. You have a new life to prepare for, and you're on the losing end of a crappy deal. It'll take time to come to terms with it.

6. Find little things that make you happy. It may seem stupid at first, but it'll help you get over the initial bandaid rip. It could be as simple as a cup of tea, the touch of a blanket, or a favorite television show. This will be extremely personal, but will be crucial to managing the first few days and weeks. 

7. Tell the family what happened. You'll want to take a moment to consider what you will say. Again, this isn't time to let your anger pour forth (unless your family also happens to be your champion(s). But they deserve to know the truth as they probably didn't expect the outcome as much as you did. 

If you notice, none of these suggestions consider the outside world. Most likely, the outside world will be too daunting initially. Before you manage the outside world, take a few moments to grasp the magnitude of living without them and find some inner peace. 

Personally, I found prayer very helpful. I took some time alone and reflected on the outcome.  I was able to find strength, joy and inner peace by bringing my pain to the Lord. My mum spent time with me and we enjoyed "girl time" together. I honestly had the best of time with her then. Once I got myself on a schedule, I added yoga to keep my mind and body healthier. You just have to find your own niche. 

Best, 
Belle 

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Comments, suggestions, questions and encouragement are always welcome. Because of the charged nature of the subject matter, remember to keep things anonymous, clean and inviting. Note: anything you say on social media websites can (and often does) come up in custody disputes.

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